Ambition (or lack thereof)

I’m at an uncomfortable point in my life.

Besides the fact that I sometimes still feel like I’m in the transition from college to full-time job, I am, in fact, sort of settled. I’m renting a pretty decent place. I just found a church. The other day, I got a library card to the branch a couple of blocks away. I have friends that I can visit on weekends to hang out with and join for midnight grocery runs.

I’m in a decent spot. I have to keep reminding myself that. But there’s something that’s really dragging me down right now.

I don’t have major ambitions right now – I’ve finished most of them.

You how there are different kinds of goals? Short term, long term, etc. Well, I’m dealing with a lack of . . . let’s say “medium-to-long term” goals. I’m lacking goals that I can work on now, that I can aggressively pursue. Here’s my situation.

The “big goals” that I had for my life were (in order):

1) Score well on my college tests so that I could get into a good university, hopefully with a scholarship. (This motivated pretty much all of my Junior High/ High school life[Done!]

2) Graduate with an engineering degree. [Thank God this is over with!]

3) Get a good-paying engineering job so that I can become independent of my parents and truly enter adulthood. [Yup]

So, what’s left?

Well, I want to publish a novel one day. That’s a thing. And while I feel that’s a worthy goal, it’s something I’m working up to. Truth is, my writing isn’t good enough yet. So I’m taking baby steps (this blog, National Novel Writing Month, etc). I’m working on this, but the timeline is so up in the air, so far in the future, that it doesn’t really seem real.

I’ll also probably want to have a family eventually. You know, husband, x number of kids, etc. But I can’t focus on that right now. I’m enjoying being single. I don’t want to have to add a boyfriend to my already busy juggling attempt.

Right now? I think that’s it. That’s all she wrote.

Which is kind of sad. I was talking to a friend of mine today, and she’s talking about taking a summer away from grad school to teach English in a country where the native language is Russian. Not that she wants to teach English for a living (she was an engineer, but she wants a job in the bio/chem fields), but because she loves the country and the culture and she plans to use the English job to support her in that.

When I talked with her, she assured me that one day I’d “find something that was so exciting that I’ll start salivating at the very thought of it”. I really want to trust her on this. That one day I’ll wake up and be like “Oh, I never realized it before, but I want to move to Italy and learn to design sports cars.” I keep hoping that it’ll work like that. I want the assurance that I’ll find something like that eventually, something that just supercharges me with energy and motivating. But until then, I feel kind of directionless.

Maybe I’m relying too much on a miracle, trying to foist off the guilt of my own laziness. I don’t know.

Until next week.


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